"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle."
"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name... and they say golf is a quiet game."
"Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole. Always remember: Golf clubs don't float."
"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser."
"Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing."
"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it, shank it, hit all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink."
"The hardest shot in golf?
The next one."
"Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game."
"On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied."
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball."
"He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie."
"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
"Tee your ball high...the air offers less resistance than dirt."
"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works."
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."